A Walk in the Dark
By Brhytnee Bailey
I woke up with hate in my heart and tears in my eyes because I had given yet another part of myself away to a man who was truly unworthy. But, what did I know about being worthy? In the past I was running around campus, getting intoxicated and partaking in various activities that made me feel like I belonged. Darkness and pain haunted and scared me. That I was willing to chase any and everything that would drown out those feelings. It’s funny how you neverreally know that you’re lost until you’re found. Man, was I lost. I had been involved in so many sexual acts just to feel. I had associated meeting men like an interview, and I wanted to be the one who he took back to his room. I wondered, how did I get there? Allowing a man to do whatever he wanted to me, just because I was afraid that telling him “no” would mean that he may never speak to me again. I willed myself to become whatever a man needed me to be because I didn’t know who I was. Being lost is funny like that; it will take you all the way around a circle, just to put you right around the corner to where you got lost in the first place. By no means was I just sleeping around with different men, but I was one of those women who loved to push the cusp to see how far I could go. God’s Grace had been covering me, but I'm reminded of a point in my life where I just couldn’t play with His grace anymore.
Sophomore year, while standing in line waiting for food at the campus eatery, one of my classmates had come up to me and asked for help with his psychology course. Because I am a psychology major, I had no problem assisting him. We spoke further and exchanged numbers, and I was very happy to have attracted him. Later in the week, he and I hung out a few times around campus before he had invited me to his house. Although I had been warned by a good friend of mine not to go over there, I went anyways. The days leading up to his invite had been great between us, so I didn’t see anything wrong with it.
He picked me up from my dorm and we headed to the athletic housing and walked around to his side with the men’s basketball team. He lived in the two-bedroom with his other teammate which gave me comfort because we wouldn’t be alone; how naive. Once we got to his room he sat on his bed and I sat at the desk. I pulled out one of my school books and begin to look through my studies. I alternated my attention between watching television andmy studies. Bryant had gotten up and walked in the bathroom and I had asked him if his roommate was home and he indicated that he was at his girlfriend’s house. He walked out of the bathroom and sat back on the bed. He looked at me and motioned for me to come and sit next to him. I wasn’t in the dark about what he wanted, I understood. I got up to sit on the bed and he kissed me, but not just a peck, his kiss had power behind it. By placing his hand on my back, he pulled me closer to his body. I felt him lift off the bed, but the kissing had never stopped. He applied just enough of his body weight on top of me so that I could lie back onto the bed, and without even thinking I did just that. He had begun to undress me, and I him. I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him, but again I didn’t know how to say no. I thought me saying no meant that he would never speak to me again. Between kissing and undressing each other, I pulled back. I moved around him so that I could get up off the bed. He got up, and began fixing his clothes and asked me what the issue was. I couldn’t look at him; I just began to pack my belongings, because I wanted to leave.
“So, you’re just going to start something and not finish?” I heard him say, but by this time I didn’t care about anything he was saying.
“I think we are moving a bit fast, and I’m not trying to go there with you,” I spoke softly and my voice began to crack.
Please understand that back then, when I was of the world, I did a lot of things unconsciously. I truly did not understand that I was worthy, so I put myself in situations that I thought would validate my being; and there are consequences to that.
He was strong, I never knew a man’s strength until Bryant picked me up and threw me on his bed. My body went into shock. At this point, nothing is amusing; there are no more rooms for games. I understood that pushing the cusp had a cost, and man did I just want a redo. He looked into my eyes and asked me, “So, you really want to leave?” he asked while using what seemed like all his strength in one hand to pin my arms down and the other to undo my pants. I told him, “Yes!” He stopped, stared at me one last time and got up. I was in shock, I couldn’t move. I looked up at him fixed my clothes and got off the bed.
“Come on, I’ll take you back,” He said while adjusting his shirt and pants.
“No, that’s fine, I think I’ll walk. I grabbed my bag and put my shoes on and headed for the door. He followed behind me. I remember praying to God, just let me get out of this apartment. I touched the door handle to leave and he grabbed my arm and said, “I could have, but I didn’t. You know that, right?” I opened the door and immediately ran home. On the way home I cried, and although I didn’t know God, He knew me, and His grace saved my life.
I needed love back then just as much as I need it now, but it was God’s grace that saved me then, now and forever. I look back on my life as a fornicator, and I fall to my knees because I was saved. God has such a covering over my life that even though I was knee deep in sin, and not serving him, he still loved me and continued to pursue me. I never thought that anything could ever happen to me until I was in a situation where I didn’t think I was going to make it out. When I tell people, who don’t truly understand God’s Grace, how he saved me, one of the first things that comes out of their mouth is, “Why do you make it seem like without God’s Grace you would have been dead in a ditch or something?” And my response to them is, “I WOULD BE!” Without God’s Grace, I would not be here. His Grace saves me every day!
Brhytnee Bailey is a 27 year old graduating senior. She is a blogger and an empowerment speaker walking in Christ’s discipleship. Originally from Maryland, but has spent most of her young adulthood wandering around different states. She believes she was always looking for something that would help her make sense of who she was. All along, the script was written on her heart. You can find Brhytnee on Facebook and Instagram.