Don't Ever Give Up
by Nathan Williams
Early in 2016, I went through a pretty rough break up. I have never been one to be “depressed” or let anything weigh on me too extensively. It was 9 months of absolute misery, though. I have let a few people know I'm still upset, but for the most part I've learned to “fake it till you make it,” as one of my friends told me to do. I have really struggled more than I like to admit. Losing someone you love so much really takes a toll on you mentally and physically.
I remember my brother had his heart broken years ago. He was upset, lost a lot of weight, and just beat down. I would tell myself that depression was a choice, and heart break was something we let ourselves feel. Sadly, I came to a very quick realization that heart break is in fact not a figment of your imagination.
After the break up I had to reflect on myself. I had made many mistakes. I did not treat her right. I took her for granted, I didn't tell her I loved her. I just did not show her how important she was to me. God genuinely made my ex-girlfriend as close to perfect as humanly possible. The most attractive person I've ever seen, the sweetest person on earth, and a heart of absolute gold. She loves God so much and it was so obvious in her actions. All of that is relevant to say, I did not treat her the way I did because of her actions. Everyone deserves to be treated right, but my ex-girlfriend deserved the royal treatment. Also, it’s to let you get an idea of how much I lost.
I beat myself up for 9 months. I was so angry with myself. I cannot tell you how many times I would stop what I was doing and say, “You’re such an idiot.” After 9 months you would think I would have toned down on all that. Well, you’re incorrect.
One night I was at the gym after a long week. I was getting over an injury, so I was weak and just so frustrated. I was angry about being hurt; I was angry at myself for not treating my ex-girlfriend better; I was angry that I was so angry! I was sitting on a machine, and had just finished a set. I sat there, looked in the mirror and said to myself, “You are a piece of sh**. You really are absolutely worthless.” It wasn’t even 15 seconds after saying that that a man walked over to me. He asked how I had been, because he had not seen me at the gym in the mornings for awhile. I told him I was good and had been hurt.
He told me he had been praying for me and that hit me pretty hard, honestly. Then he proceeded to tell me, “you don't really know my story…” He told me how when he was younger he struggled pretty bad. He didn't know what he was suppose to do with his life, and he was really struggling to figure out where he fit in in the world. He told me how he would pray to God and ask Him what he was suppose to do but he never got any answer back. He said, “One day God told me that I was not asking the right question. He wanted me to realize who I was in Him, and who He really was.” God did not want him to build his identity on WHAT he did but instead God wanted Him to build his identity on God, and who he was in God. He told me once he figured that out it had been smooth sailing.
I am 28 years old, and I'm at the gym but my eyes watered up. He had no idea how bad I had been struggling. He had no idea that I had wanted to end all the pain almost daily for the past 9 months. He had no idea I had been praying the exact prayers he was praying. He walked away. I sat back down at my machine, did another set and with watery eyes, smiled from ear to ear. I just laughed and said, “Okay, God. I hear you.”
No matter how alone we feel, God is always there. He may sit silently and just let us stumble through life at times but He will always be right there with you. I have almost given up more times than I can count, but I know even with all the mistakes I've made in my life, God still wants to use me. I went to hell and back in 2016. I promise, I pinky promise, there is going to be sunshine after the storm. You may have to wait it out, you may have to get to your lowest point before you see the light, but it will come. Just don't give up; don't ever give up.
Nathan lives in Searcy, Arkansas where he works for an automobile dealership. He enjoys weightlifting/fitness, and spending time with his family, friends, and his puppers.